Diary83

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In record from my "life" history that seems like nothing. 

I hate Asian.

Why ? I'm just NOT the typical one.
Stop trying to make me one.

I'm so tired trying to be cool every time things happen.

I'm not of that character. 

I'm moving out. Out out from the way.

- I mean how come people never thought of a problem is a problem that need a proper solution ? -

Diary 82

.
I've decided to be honest with myself at this current state.

"Dear housemates, *yes everyone of you*

Good bye, we just live together under one roof, and sleep together in the same room, not bed.
We don't take care of each other life. I don't need you guys in my life other that just money sharing in terms of furniture. and the bill. Get this thing clear in mind, I DON'T OWN YOU NOTHING. WE ARE EQUAL, DON'T EXPECT SUCH KINDNESS FROM ME.
And I don't think I will keep in contact with you guys anymore after final exam."

"Dear coursemate,
You guys are lovely, and very protective to yourself. Glad to hear that.
But too bad, not in the same league as I. I don't like science anymore.
Not interested at all. How am I going to keep having the same topic as you guys would do ?
I don't even understand certain topic you guys discussed.
So goodbye too, Its obviously proven that we don't belong to the same world/field in future."

"Dear friends,
I don't know my limit with friends.
But I do know, I will trust my friend, And I expecting the same from my friend too.
So don't ever lie to me, Or making me suspicious. Clear my mind.
No one ever did that till now, and still no one in my after-list since secondary school.
Maybe its my problem, but, you guys have your life too, as you know what's your future track, you have already know how to walk you path. But, I don't.
So, stay away from me. I'am bad influence for you guys.
And I also do not want to own anything from you guys, even kindness."

"Dear People I know in UMT, everyone.
I'm hopelessly lost. I'm dwelling in the endless depth of despair.
I may seem tough and cherry from outside, But I really don't.
Mental Breakdown can happens anything, I'm dangerous. Stay away from me.
I prefer alone than having a few so-called companions."

And last, I hate UMT.
 I regret decision that fall too quickly in place.
No one I meet here was more or as despair as me.
They have got good life, stable life.
And everything was well-planned in their sketch.
I'm just hanging and floating around,
Being washed to anywhere that seem doesn't matter to anyone.
Silently and non-noticeable.


P.S// I desperately wanted to leave this place right now, right now. I don't belong here at all. Call me selfish or picky, but that my dream and future. I don't want my future to have the peoples from UMT, especially form science background. No! God can't even save me wouldn't he ?

Diary 81

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I now declare myself as normal being, in terms or sexuality and behavior. 
I always settle for thing that seems doesn't matter to me.
But in fact it doesn't.

I guess understanding about myself wasn't that easy for one.
Anyway, I not typical anyone.
I have a unique mind, respect that and I shall do the same for you.

A loner pledge.

This is a loner pledge.
That the soloist will stay solo and alone in any term.
I'm not a team player at all.
Being strong for me doesn't need a team at all.
I'm strong enough at this current.
And so, this is my loner pledge.
Certain people fail me and they cripple everything about me.
I'm not a complete peacemaker or peace follower.
Everyone has dark side as dark days is common.

The thing about being too wise is, people keep misinterpreted you in their own perspective.
Thinking that you are stupid, ignore everything you try to do and say.
And they get what they want using your opinion, you got none of the share.
Thank you for fooling me.
I knew what you think about me, pretty clear that I read some mind too.
So speak you fucking mind out.
Sorry you are correct is not that hard.
If it really feels harsh for you, here this loner pledge from me to you.

Diary 80

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Blah!
Hate this sudden loss in motivation.
I gotta find something o do, even if it gonna cost me something.

Diary 79

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I'm out this time.
Whether to keep being thing for myself or to let everyone knew about it, I'm out.

Not wanting to get there anymore.

Diary 78

Sometimes in life, you will find yourself lost and got nothing else to wish for, other than your dream.

A few words to my people.

.
Hey.
I am kinda attracted to the people of the same gender as I.
And you know what, you guys are definitely exceptional.
You guys sucks.
Stupid, immature and completely jerk.
They say you guys will make me grow.
Yea, I grew to be more selfish.
I grew to be more solo player.
I grew to be less believing in others.
I grew to be more close-up.

I plan to unleash all my disappointment and frustration, anger and dissatisfaction toward all of you here.
But I won't.
If I do, it will just degrading myself to be just like you all.
I'm not that shallow.

I don't like the joke you guys always repeat about me. 
I don't like how you all try to act smart, cause I definitely noticed the stupidity afterward.
Belongingness doesn't creates here. Dishonesty does.
Everyone are so fake.
Influencing each other with that weak personality.
I sent my sympathy to your creator.
My life has nothing to do with you all.
Don't take me so lightly.
Telling me, lecturing me how should I walk my life.
Its not working for me you dumb ass.

I gotta admit it is my fault for believing what people says about you guys while I still haven't knew any of you deeply.
Its my fault, I'm sorry.
But that doesn't makes us to be even.

You guys never appreciate.
I don't know how come one person can live in this planet Earth for like 2 decades and yet still doesn't understand how's the rules going around. 
A few of you may acted like you know, but deep down in my mind, I've killed you like hundreds or thousands times for coming up with such stupid statement or solutions.
I wish I'm not a freak in front of everyone.
But the judgment you all put forward because of your shallow thought and immature act made me one.
I'll get myself done with you all.
I'll find my own format to deal with you all.
And no one is excluded here.
Everyone of you are what I mentioned.
Jackasses.

Diary 78

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There is no life without secrets.
Human lie to keep their secret.
We lied.

Whether its on purpose or not, its a lie.
I lie. I found guilty about it.
I can't be completely honest.
I hate lying.

To be honest, its so much fun having a secret life where nobody would judge you for what you do and what you like.
This world is so fucking hypocrite.
One time they want you to be who you are and another time they would judge you for who you truly are.
Its not I'm not trying.
That's obviously a trap.
Or a scam, to troll you, to make you regret for who you are.
Why am I so pathetic?!
Do you all understood that being great or good wasn't that easy?
I can really feel my heart breaks inside.
I can't control my life you know,not every part of it.
I even felt ashamed talking about it.
I'll just be single, forever.
Until things get changed.

Friends

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I don't really have many closed friend.
Up until my life till this far, I still consider no one as one of my kind.
There are many people I met in my life.
I don't regret it.
They hold part of my life in the past memory.
They meant something to me.
There are many kind of them.
*Sorry that I do categorized my friends or buddies.
Cause its me.*

Back to story.
There are some who are very talkative and annoying.
I just let them talk when we met.
Soon I became the only person they can talk to.
And we become best buddies.

There are some who do not know how to express themselves.
I just let them do what they don't do when I am with them.
And soon they get used to it and we finally expose something about ourselves.

There are a few who share similar thought with me,
I just let them be themselves when they are with me.
And not trying to do anything about it.
Just share opinion and talk about random topic.

There are a few who try to control me.
I do not consider them as friend.
But since they do consider me as friend.
I'll just let them be the group that just pass through that stranger region.

There are some who once a really close friend but then, we fight.
We are no longer getting any kind of interaction.
I don't like it. Cause its kinda make me feel like we are actually very similar.

There are some who don't understand me at all.
But yet, they act like they really understand me.
So, I'm not gonna reveal their not-understanding.

There are a few that we have been through a lot of time.
But we just remained there.
As a normal friend, as a tea party friend, as a hi-bye friend.

There are also a few that actually hates me.
I just act like I don't care, but I actually do.
And in fact, I would really like to talk face-to-face with this kind of people about me.

I kinda no knowing how to make friend.
I am stupid, dumb and slowie pokie.
I don't care about how the other feels about things that I do.
I care about only how they will trust me.
I only care about how they not going to judge me.
I don't even know how to maintain a normal relationship with them.
I just don't know so much about being with the others that I feels so tired.

There are a few that ruining my thought or my impression about them.
I really do not have any idea that is it I'm the one trusting the wrong friend?
Or I am actually the one jump too fast to judge them about their personality?

I kinda grown tired about it.
I don't want to judge anyone I treated as friend.
And in fact, I wish I can just be one-man-band from the start.


*********************************************************************************
 I had no I idea where the inspiration came from in this post, it took jut merely a 30 minute to write and sum up a post about friend I meet and make in my life up until now. Probably cause of the conversation made between me and one of my friend during lunch break this afternoon. And the rest of the encounter in this Christmas Eve. And Happy Birthday to one of my friend, for being one of the Christmas baby years back then.
*********************************************************************************

P.S//probably because I have started to feel useless or lonely.*meh-face*
And Merry Christmas!
Countdown to New Year in 6 days.

Diary 77

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I don't like graduation.
Its awkward.
Its many people.
Its a lot fakes.
Its triggering my anticipation and curiosity.
I hate graduation day. 

Diary 76

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Damn it!
FYP Proposal REDOOOOO!!!!

BURRNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fucking BURNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!
R-E-D-O ! REDO !

Restart everything !
Restart ! Restart ! Restart !
Don't Fuckkiing repeat the work !
BURNNN!!!!

Diary 75

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Life have been an endurance test.
I admitted that I have been thru a lot of swimming.
But this is just so not swimming.

Be chilled. Be cool
And FUCKED IT.

I'm not here to endure the uselessness of your brain.
I'm not here to repeat my previous life.
I'm not here to teach you the basic of life, neither.

Just screw it up.

Diary 74

Just do it.
You are going to train hard.
You haven't got anything that you wanted yet. 
Don't give up and just do it. 

Tomorrow will be judgment day, just do it. 
And break thru.

Diary 73

Internship
Well, I guess I has leave the virtual world a long time.
Many thought flashed through.
Many thought make me think.
Many thought make me wonder.

The future, the people, the attitude, the thought they probable having, their decision that regret, the faith-leaping step, the young and stupid act, the so normal reaction, the chain reaction of everything and about me myself.

Thinking that this may be the future I would get.
Thinking that I should not have made up my mind.
Thinking that I should think really well first.
Thinking that how the future should be.

It all make me wonder.
What if I didn't choose to take the faith-leaping step.

I should not regret anything by now.

Diary 72

*HUGE SIGH*
Where should I start?
I hate the place where I start.
I spent all my life here, up until now.
And I can't even get a proper control over it.
Is this my problem or what?

Diary71

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So, this is the first day of intern.
It will just be nothing. Be normal, show them what you have got inside your pocket and seal it in front of them. You do not belong here. Your life meant to do others things. It do not belongs HERE.

Diary 70

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This isn't end.
I'm still on my way chasing my dream.

Not gonna let anyone know what my dream is.
But clearly, it won't be an easy one.

I'm still on my way chasing it.
Just because others are showing result doesn't mean mine one not gonna come along.
It just the timing. Good things takes time. I still believe in it.

Diary 69

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Sometimes,
We will just wonder,
"What's wrong with me ?"

Seriously, I really do wonder.
"What wrong with me doing this and doing that ?"
I just can't help but let it.

I don't really mean to hurt anyone.
I really don't mean it.
How can I prove it ?
><

It's been a confusing question for me.
Don't wanna get bothered by it.
*meh * :/

Diary 68

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Not sure what happen.
But the sure thing is,
I'm not adapting.
NOT ADAPTING.

Which would means a totally unusual behavior of mine.
For the fact that, I was and used to be a fast adapting people.
I have final papers coming in the following two days,
will be having hard time to pass, but still;
I'm sitting in front of my laptop.
Surfing the internet, social media for nothing,
Buffer some anonymous video and wasting shit times.

WHILE
I should be studying for my final paper,
copying question and answer repeatedly,
understanding question fully and some more,
completing all the undone assignment.
AND most importantly,
prepare for my internship.

Above all that I should have done or on the way doing,
and what I shouldn't have done, I'm here feeling empty and "meh".
So what happen ?