Diary 32

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What do I want ?
What do You want ?
What can I do ??!!!!
FUCK IT!!!!!! AND NoW, I REALLY MEAN IT!!!!
What the hell am I doing right now ?
What the hell happening right now ?
What's the conditon right now ?
Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm God-Damn-It-So-Lost!!!!!!!!!!!!

Literally, I'm compressible liquid. and super flexible.
The wall I build to reflect what's real apparently wasn't strong enough to defend myself from anyone. Damn it.
Don't come around excite me and leave me alone afterward!!!
It not funny playing mental with me!!!!!!
Fuck you!!!!!!! and I mean it!!! damn you!
Whatever!!!!!! P2IRFNWLNK4WNEF2U3JHRIJ42U!@#$#%^YH&JHR^G%$%^^HTRTW$RG$^%Y$%E$@!$#@$T#%$^&UI*O()P_(P):*LOKIUJTYHTGRFDF#W$EDTRHGYJHTBNM<>:)L{":PLOKIUJYHTGRWEYNTBRETHGTRYNTBRFEWRT$%J&^(&*$^#@%!~!@%)_()OIK$@%#^$rgf@$tewsdfgh$%$th$%tr$$%H%TGF#G#

2013 Diary - Part 4

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Phew. Finally, the last part of this year in my life.
Well, if you read my previous post, I don't think I have to explain so much right ?
So basically, I had this Secretary job quitted.
Why ? Cause someone just sorta bang directly to the principle of my life, my faith and my trust. I got disrespected as a subordinate. Well, you don't have to know too much, I'm way too lazy to re-mention it or I have no intention to re-mention it again, read the previous post and interpret it yourself la. 3:)

October to December was really a tough month for me mentally.
Not only mentally tore-up, 
Mind got fucking fucked, 
Rock solid stubborn attitude, 
Cold war condition, 
Army of silent rebel or whatever occasion.
Everything just sorta happened.

Since October, I felt loneliness, heart-aching, and happiness in bottle.
And at the same time, I'm learning to develop myself to even better self.
Anyway, read my previous post and interpret it.
Its all written thr. 
Everytime heartbreak, everytime revive;
Every moment that count are written,
Word written now couldn't explain how clear my mind was at that moment.
So just read thru everything, if you are really interested in my story.

2013 Diary - Part 3

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Part 3.
Hmm, I'll start the story a little bit away from the time chronology.
So, it would be starting from June to September of this year.
Why ? *cause I'm having my SEM break for two month and I did ALMOST nothing in this two month, bitches.*

June was the month of final,
And life really got harsh up to me.
I don't get why actually.
Izzit everyone feel the same or just me the only one felt it ?
It should be fun and thrilling. But, it just go to the unfortunate way.

I was elected as this Secretary in a club.
And start facing off 'new' challenge everyday since then.
People, trouble. But at least someone was with me.
*not now anymore.*
Fake faces, spreading-wild rumors, and drama.*Gosh.
Its ok, telling myself that..
Cause my limit is beyond their expectation.
And I tot it was the never-being-distorted part of a company.
So, I was rather relieved at that time.

Btw, I choose to stay with my new friend that met later, instead of coursemate.
But who knows, 
Problem and trouble appear even if we weren't staying together.
So I wasn't regret that I STAY OUT of their business.

#rule must follow
DO NOT STAY WITH INCURABLE  BRAT.
DO NOT STAY WITH PEOPLE WITH NO OPINION AT ALL.
*and looks what's the idiot talking about??!!..*
Whatever. *rolling eye*

Soon as June end, everything ended.
Unsettle or settled, everything end, end, end!
Neither in a perfect way nor a imperfect way,
It just hang there and been thrown aside.

I got myself a job 'new' part time job, 
Erm, get back to reality actually.
Tried to find something better, end up getting more more underrated. 
And so, get back to the rather less cruel reality. Damn it.
I won't forgive myself for that. *ish.

Anyway, screw it, it just part-time job.
Even if I do it seriously, people will just take me for granted,
esp typical customer and 'co-worker' I familiar with.
*cause I worked as service crew in a restaurant.*

Btw, I learned the word kemosabe, 
[Thx much to Johnny Depp's movie. ;) ]
together with a kemosabe, not sure he still thought me as his kemosabe or not.
Just to let him know, I still haven't give up yet.
And it seems effortless,
cause I can't find any other similarity that exist other than the one I destroyed.
*puff*annoyed me a bit*

Then, July End, August End.
September came. School reopen.
Event happening in UMT.
And everything start to re-volute. 
Just hard enough to resist.
And yet still trying my best to resist. 
This is the part, where my life went underrated, unappreciated. 
And seriously abused, in some way. 
But that shouldn't be any problem, I CAN HANDLE IT.
*at least that is what I think of that time.*

Soon, people around me start to changed. 
I wasn't sure anymore, whether I should continue or not anymore.
So, I guess everyone will have that this moment right ?
But why izzit they acting so normal, as if nothing has ever happen ?
Why ? Or I'm way too mature, thinking/over think too much that this kind of treatment is the only treatment I shall deserved ? Fine. I'll accept YOUR challenge. And I'll have faith in you that you are standing at the same level as I or higher to challenge me equally.

Well, at least everything went well for me in this part of the year.
I tried to find a good part-time - failed;
But at least I still get a part-time - fight;
I tried to live my life to the fullest - failed;
But for the least, I still earned my money, I get my life back and family start to put trust in me. And yet, not all faith they have in me.
- End -

Diary 31

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Being dead, is just so unfair.

*been staring to this for long so that something can come up to beat it.**
*apparently, there isn't anything.*********************************************
*if choices was given, I prefer to die a occasion where I'm satisfied.******
************************************for least, it worth my life.******************

2013 Diary - Part 2

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Everything was so fine and perfect.

The school started, 
The event started,
And so do all the gossip and the scandal, as well, started.

There were only few tasks in this 3 month. 

Study, Planning, Managing, Bearing, Solving, Preparing and Fighting.

*Not exactly fighting. It means fight for life.*

There so little task to complete in this 3 month.

Yet, we couldn't done it in a very good and fast way.

Things just happen. 

Sometimes, you really gonna admit that you are really unfit when you are really unfit.

But, we are bunch of young head right ?..

We voice out our opinion without considering others, bad mouthing, accusing, creating story, judging, predicting, and covering up. :)

Sarcastic right ? or Pathetic ?

There are people in this world who keep vengeance. 

There are people who don't keep as well.

There are people who masking themselves everyday.

There are people who don't.

And even, there are people who can't as well.

There are people who can't take lead in anytime.

There are people who can.

There are people who lied for a living.

There are people who can't lied for a living as well.

All in all, this world in just so contrast made by human. 

There are variety of human. 

They hide, They snatch; They seek, They give.

So why can't we find a balance ? 

Or the balance is already there, 
due to existence of all kind the extreme.

When everything seems perfect from the start, 
that means we really should have starting to be wary.

The world has its own arrangement for all of us.

We just have to meet all kind of people first before we ready reveal the truth.

Alright, you can't get a figure of what I'm saying right ?..

I'll now explain in brief.

In these three month life, I'm gonna have my final exam, running the Cultural Night event, find a suitable house for next SEM, and get a transport too.

Other then that, there are still test waiting, assignment undone, part time job undefined, and so much little thing that haven't settle.

Well, its should be really easy to settle, 
considering I'm have been through so much last year.

But, thanks again to human, I got dragged.

*Oh sorry, I shouldn't blame them.*

I can't changed people, but SO DO THEM !

Don't expect much for people u can't changed when you yourself do not want to change for them.

And that's really annoying.

I don't really like to be a leader, but if given harsh condition,

My damn heroic sense of justice or sympathy would jumped out and force myself to help them.

Damn it !!!

And so, I gonna find a house to which can occupied 9-15 person.

I gonna handle a carnival and event which other people started.

I gonna skip all those test and assignment just for all this shit stuff.

And I gonna begged for money cause my money got stolen by stupid anonymous thief.

IT'S GOD-DAMN-IT-RM 350 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life just great and full of challenge.

It's ok. I'm totally fine with it !

And so, that conclude the stressful part of that period.

But life some time do give out candy to delicate your bitter-pain condition.

I got to meet with 2NE1.

And THEY ARE THE BEST!!!!!

certainly wish to them come back here, Malaysia to "live" again.

At the same time, I got the most treasures part of my University life here ?

"Chief Manager" of the night they call.

Well it wasn't easy,
I have got spend too many time in there and lost my balance.

But that's me. The "A" way.

Anyway, the event went up well until to the end.

Everyone was enjoying. 
Huge success I would say, with a bit uncomfy.

But, its perfect for me. 
Who care about what's gonna happen next ?

Think Event, Think BIG. :')

And thx to that, 
I really realize what should I've been doing right now which currently I'm not being myself.

Thx to this event, I met her, someone inspiring and get inspired for the very 1st time.

And that's the thing that keep me going until to the very end of that semester.

Not forget to mention as well, they win the election, again.

And democracy had its own destiny in our country.

Even Nelson Mandela or Mahatma Gandhi took ages to bring revolution to this world and society and Democracy has its fixed destiny there.

In terms of our country, just don't give up easily.

As the saying goes, history will repeat himself, naturally.

Oh ya! I seems to have made new friend and joined them to be a better person, perhaps.

Itu prawn. Hahahaha!!!!

I really appreciate them. Hope they receive and accept my gratitude.

But I bet you what, men don't need these, normally.

They are just AWESOME, in a way. XD

Hmm, let's end this part with something saddening.

Albeit all those happy stuffs and things, 
it wasn't really much can stop negative thing breaking thru.

Final exam wasn't that easy, 
but still thx him, to spending night and days fighting books with me. 
Sickness wasn't that easy to beat if wasn't because of at least with the presence of them.

And that's conclude the 2nd part of this year.

2013 Diary - Part 1

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And hence, here are my summary for this year or 2013.

First of all, yeah, I survived thru the Mayan's myth. *(we all do actually XD)

OK, where should I begin ?.. hmm..

Well, let's start with the 1st three month of the year.

The 1st three month.

Hmm, it was the ending of my 1st SEM in UMT.

Yup, and I struggled a bit for the last two paper in the final.

If wasn't mistaken, its Electronic and Introduction to Calculus.

*yea, me sucked to hell in Math, esp Add Math.*

 And so the final end, SEM break came, work and think and work and went back to somewhere called-HOME, and think again.

Its actually nothing in my mind other than MONEY that time.

I gonna admit that.

I'm not from a very wealthy family, my parent wasn't very smart thinker*(in my opinion). But, they just let us learn by ourselves, and watches our back to make sure we were able to stand up again when we fall.

But, there are contrast in themselves that making us couldn't do what we wanted to do.

Yet still, we were able to look into much bigger world then we originally can due to their support and encouragement. 

And so, the Chinese New Year celebration begun, this New Year was a bit special. Grandma wasn't here anymore.

Nobody coming back for New Year Eve.

The house was only full with 7 people.

Course, we will still take good care of the house here.

It grandma and granddad gift of their beloved grandchild anyway.

They went to many "friend's house", I wish I could follow, but I have my own world and social circle right ??..

So I didn't followed them. Hah!

Years before, the happiest thing in New Year was the Ang Pow that received.

But then, I wasn't so thrilled about it anymore.

Daddy doesn't makes a lot of money than my mom but my mom doesn't make so much money for 5 of us. Haha!!

So that's conclude the story.

The rest up to the imagination of you guys, but please, stay logical thinking. :D

Alright, back to me myself. I was thinking. Really thinking. What's next for me ?

The first thing that flashed thru -- WPC Cultural Night. 

Its a huge event. I repeat E.V.E.N.T, event. Event of the Year. 

We gonna rocked it !! *(how naive am I that time)

End.

Next, result for SEM 1 was out. I got quite an average result. Not good, not bad.

Still, I passed. Hooraay!!!

But, here comes the irritating part.

They keep on track about how's your score or a.k.a CGPA.

They ugliest part of human, comparing among ourselves. Damn it.

If you were born to compare with others, get a mirror and compare, let's see who's the one look more better. 

Bunch of dumbass. Particularly.

And so, another SEM begun. I brought some souvenir.

Meet up with some 'bosses'. Haha!

And made some promises. And I bathed for the first time, at the PUBLIC TOILET. XD

Yea, you heard me no wrong. Its PUBLIC TOILET.

And I went back to beaches with fancy look,

which made people couldn't recognize me, at all.

And everything was so fine back then. 

So perfect. And lovely.

End of Part 1.

Diary 30

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I'm finding a term to describe weirdo that more than weirdo.
Mathematically, its weirdo > x weirdo.
I came to a conclusion that I have to use Chinese word, which I prefer not to use.

怪懒。
怪 - it means weird in Mandarin, pronounce as "Guai".
懒 - Iit means penis in some Chinese dialect, pronounce as "Lan".
We prefer to use this word to describe weirdo in my country, Malaysia.
Why ?.. Maybe cause we don't do sarcastical conversation or faking faces talk.
So, we end up using something rough and profane,
to describe weirdo in a direct and non-twisted way.

Me, to be at a place that completely new for me, wasn't causing me any trouble at all.
The things that truly trouble you/me is the people here.
Maybe it is because I doesn't belong here since the beginning,
And thus, I can't seem to fit into the environment in a way I do.
So I try hard. So I worked my ass off to it.
So I ignore things that people say to me, sometimes...

And hence, of all that action above, everything seems so normal to me.
Yet, it becomes something pathetic, over-reacting, aggressive, non-cooperative.
As much as a extrovert I can be with myself, I'm a introvert, a weirdo, a 怪懒, to them. Knowing damn clear that I can't change how they think, or stop how they think.
I still gonna stick my face to their ass. Fuck it!..
*cause that taste bad.*

I can explain everything that happen,
I wasn't blaming anyone,
not even the circumstances,
but why do I have to acknowledge you all about my life ?
Huh ??... Huh ?!!... light me up please.

Honestly, I'm acting just so normal and so me.
And that's still not enough ?..
Never did I disrespect other or trying to offend other just because I wanted to.
So why can you guys do the same ?..
Here I provide you all an explanation :
"How do hell do I know what you have been through ?"

Yea, you have no idea. And you don't have to try understanding it as well.
And blah, blah, blah...

All right, up to this point, reader, am I correct or what ?
Correct me if I'm wrong or my mind got blocked or whatever.
Pledging for someone to correct me though.
Tell me that I'm NOT a 怪懒. 

Diary 29

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No news from chancer.
And a clear rejection are always better than hanging onto it.

Diary 28

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Hiya!
Its breaking dawn, I know.
But you know after such heart breaking study on the topic you don't interested at all,
Its good to have some truly understanding and inspiring and openly, spiritually chat.

They widen my mind at least.
More than that actually.
They denied some part of me.
And that somehow makes me think.
"Am I really the person I describe myself as ??.."
and " how can I make they think this way, giving the way I describe myself ??.."

Well, it does really a awesome chat.
Gained more understanding now. :)
Few more hours, another test came. 
Ohya! and Wish me luck for the test. :D

Diary 27

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Sorry.
Just got back from camp site.
Not a really good one spiritually.
But a good one practically.

Quite a lot of decision was made there.
Heartbreaking one, regrettable one,
Or even too overly one-sided kind.

Life better with regret right ?
Otherwise, we won't be experiencing every taste of it.
Once we experienced it then only we know and can truly understood who and what we are, how we usually behaved/reacted.

Guess I'm too tired. Fuck this shit. I'm going to sleep.
Again, test will be around 14 hours later.
And know what, I was so pumped up that nothing could even been keep in my temporary memory region. I am really tired-up, I guess.

Oh ya, its time for me to admit 'defeated' or to say,
I care not more anymore. Night world, Hi Narnia !

Trapped

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You can't do anything if your mind are stuck.
So, why not take a break or find another medium to deal with it ?

Ridiculously Amazing - Diary 26

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To be honest, I'm really wasn't something else or somebody.
Cause I'm nobody,
nobody that should be carried by anyone,
nobody that could change the world,
nobody that could bring the peace,
nobody that should voice out,
nobody that could unite the everybody,
nobody that could understand all the circumstances,
nobody that actually can only be a tribute or sacrifice.

*Today wasn't as amazing as ever.

Ridiculously Amazing - Diary 25

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Well, yesterday wasn't a really an AMAZING day.
But still, I'm call it amazing.
I've notice this something.
For something so little yet so significant,
They need advertising.
You have to make it like a big fuss of yours, then do some 'grumble', publicized it, share it, and be a bit more extreme toward it.Oh ya! Use some seldom-used vocab too. By doing so, they people will only start to understand what actually happens and HOW to react.
Let me tell you something.
Instead of that,
Why don't you just change by yourself ?
Why can't you do that by yourself ?
Why you all always have to wait until things happen, get worse and get complicated; that time, arrived, then only START to find the solution ? W.H.Y, why ?!
If you are saying I overthought waayyyy too much, then stop agreeing with.

Know why I say all this stuff out ?
Cause I've always been correct, all the time.
I'm gonna admit, I'll get wrong too.
But, please don't alway let my answer to be the most correct answer that should be provided.
Cause I know, deeply, that I have to learn from the start as well.
And I don't start fast, I'll repeat my starting position for few times before I could really run the race, and that's exactly why I can run further, greater and looks stronger than anyone else.
And I, dislike that.

Oh ya, and I almost forgot something.
I talk to him already and he REPLIED, like finally.
I was totally so-so, maybe I have got discouraged, or maybe not.
OR maybe this is the newest kind of friendship to me ?..
He is really opening up all sort of possibility.
Oh! Whether he do really get it or I get it wrong or what,
He can understand me, I think so, at least I'm still having some positive sigh toward our friendship.
But we recover slow, that's the shit.
Let's talk seriously next time.

Ridiculously Amazing - Diary 24

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Almost forgotten who I really am today.
I'm sorry. But don't make it to my heart.
Perhaps there is just too much heart aching.
I would prefer if I know nothing about it.
I would prefer if I flee ASAP.
I would prefer to choose the road which I know I can walks it better.
I just wish I could..

Young is about all passion and crazy.
I got both of it. I keep it simple as well.
Somehow they just treated a teenage as an adult.
But who cares ??~!!!!!
I don't give a damn.
So what if there is no chances at all ?..
I'm not looking backward. I going and moving forward!!!
How much I understand about thing happen or works out back then will be my resource, my knowledge, my confidence, my specialty and my privilege when compared to others.
And they shall only admire it from the side.
If possible,they shall get inspired by themselves as well.
And that's me, not too much and not much too less.
Gonna have another test in 2 hours time, just screw it,
Its Add Math, something I wouldn't wanted to meet now and ever.
Cause I'm just NOT brilliant enough.

Ridiculously Amazing - Diary 23

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Yeah, I've made yesterday ridiculously amazing for me.
And yea, I've decided to make everyday as awesome as possible.
As creative as possible,
As passionate as possible,
As weird as possible,
As unpredictable as possible.

But, how do you define, ridiculously amazing ?
Well, I don't know.
But, something for sure,
I'm going to appreciate one and every occasion that happen.
I guess no many could do the same as I do right ?..
Since we are all different.
Different thought,
Different understanding,
Different perspective,
Different passion,
Different center,
Different principle,
Different DNA,
Different judgement,
No matter what, we are just different from inside out.
A little bit similarities doesn't mean we should be close as possible.
Well, I'm got a dream to achieve. My E.V.E.N.T.
This society need me to change their thought.

Well, not really,
But I'll make my day as amazing as ever, and each a day makes a count.
Nothing gonna stop me, critic is a must, ignorance is a must, fighting is a must.
So who care?..
Let the hater sit and stare,
Cause they can't even imagine what I'm doing.
They are just side effect anyway. :P
So, may the ridiculous day last as ever.