Diary 32

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What do I want ?
What do You want ?
What can I do ??!!!!
FUCK IT!!!!!! AND NoW, I REALLY MEAN IT!!!!
What the hell am I doing right now ?
What the hell happening right now ?
What's the conditon right now ?
Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm God-Damn-It-So-Lost!!!!!!!!!!!!

Literally, I'm compressible liquid. and super flexible.
The wall I build to reflect what's real apparently wasn't strong enough to defend myself from anyone. Damn it.
Don't come around excite me and leave me alone afterward!!!
It not funny playing mental with me!!!!!!
Fuck you!!!!!!! and I mean it!!! damn you!
Whatever!!!!!! P2IRFNWLNK4WNEF2U3JHRIJ42U!@#$#%^YH&JHR^G%$%^^HTRTW$RG$^%Y$%E$@!$#@$T#%$^&UI*O()P_(P):*LOKIUJTYHTGRFDF#W$EDTRHGYJHTBNM<>:)L{":PLOKIUJYHTGRWEYNTBRETHGTRYNTBRFEWRT$%J&^(&*$^#@%!~!@%)_()OIK$@%#^$rgf@$tewsdfgh$%$th$%tr$$%H%TGF#G#

2013 Diary - Part 4

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Phew. Finally, the last part of this year in my life.
Well, if you read my previous post, I don't think I have to explain so much right ?
So basically, I had this Secretary job quitted.
Why ? Cause someone just sorta bang directly to the principle of my life, my faith and my trust. I got disrespected as a subordinate. Well, you don't have to know too much, I'm way too lazy to re-mention it or I have no intention to re-mention it again, read the previous post and interpret it yourself la. 3:)

October to December was really a tough month for me mentally.
Not only mentally tore-up, 
Mind got fucking fucked, 
Rock solid stubborn attitude, 
Cold war condition, 
Army of silent rebel or whatever occasion.
Everything just sorta happened.

Since October, I felt loneliness, heart-aching, and happiness in bottle.
And at the same time, I'm learning to develop myself to even better self.
Anyway, read my previous post and interpret it.
Its all written thr. 
Everytime heartbreak, everytime revive;
Every moment that count are written,
Word written now couldn't explain how clear my mind was at that moment.
So just read thru everything, if you are really interested in my story.

2013 Diary - Part 3

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Part 3.
Hmm, I'll start the story a little bit away from the time chronology.
So, it would be starting from June to September of this year.
Why ? *cause I'm having my SEM break for two month and I did ALMOST nothing in this two month, bitches.*

June was the month of final,
And life really got harsh up to me.
I don't get why actually.
Izzit everyone feel the same or just me the only one felt it ?
It should be fun and thrilling. But, it just go to the unfortunate way.

I was elected as this Secretary in a club.
And start facing off 'new' challenge everyday since then.
People, trouble. But at least someone was with me.
*not now anymore.*
Fake faces, spreading-wild rumors, and drama.*Gosh.
Its ok, telling myself that..
Cause my limit is beyond their expectation.
And I tot it was the never-being-distorted part of a company.
So, I was rather relieved at that time.

Btw, I choose to stay with my new friend that met later, instead of coursemate.
But who knows, 
Problem and trouble appear even if we weren't staying together.
So I wasn't regret that I STAY OUT of their business.

#rule must follow
DO NOT STAY WITH INCURABLE  BRAT.
DO NOT STAY WITH PEOPLE WITH NO OPINION AT ALL.
*and looks what's the idiot talking about??!!..*
Whatever. *rolling eye*

Soon as June end, everything ended.
Unsettle or settled, everything end, end, end!
Neither in a perfect way nor a imperfect way,
It just hang there and been thrown aside.

I got myself a job 'new' part time job, 
Erm, get back to reality actually.
Tried to find something better, end up getting more more underrated. 
And so, get back to the rather less cruel reality. Damn it.
I won't forgive myself for that. *ish.

Anyway, screw it, it just part-time job.
Even if I do it seriously, people will just take me for granted,
esp typical customer and 'co-worker' I familiar with.
*cause I worked as service crew in a restaurant.*

Btw, I learned the word kemosabe, 
[Thx much to Johnny Depp's movie. ;) ]
together with a kemosabe, not sure he still thought me as his kemosabe or not.
Just to let him know, I still haven't give up yet.
And it seems effortless,
cause I can't find any other similarity that exist other than the one I destroyed.
*puff*annoyed me a bit*

Then, July End, August End.
September came. School reopen.
Event happening in UMT.
And everything start to re-volute. 
Just hard enough to resist.
And yet still trying my best to resist. 
This is the part, where my life went underrated, unappreciated. 
And seriously abused, in some way. 
But that shouldn't be any problem, I CAN HANDLE IT.
*at least that is what I think of that time.*

Soon, people around me start to changed. 
I wasn't sure anymore, whether I should continue or not anymore.
So, I guess everyone will have that this moment right ?
But why izzit they acting so normal, as if nothing has ever happen ?
Why ? Or I'm way too mature, thinking/over think too much that this kind of treatment is the only treatment I shall deserved ? Fine. I'll accept YOUR challenge. And I'll have faith in you that you are standing at the same level as I or higher to challenge me equally.

Well, at least everything went well for me in this part of the year.
I tried to find a good part-time - failed;
But at least I still get a part-time - fight;
I tried to live my life to the fullest - failed;
But for the least, I still earned my money, I get my life back and family start to put trust in me. And yet, not all faith they have in me.
- End -

Diary 31

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Being dead, is just so unfair.

*been staring to this for long so that something can come up to beat it.**
*apparently, there isn't anything.*********************************************
*if choices was given, I prefer to die a occasion where I'm satisfied.******
************************************for least, it worth my life.******************

2013 Diary - Part 2

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Everything was so fine and perfect.

The school started, 
The event started,
And so do all the gossip and the scandal, as well, started.

There were only few tasks in this 3 month. 

Study, Planning, Managing, Bearing, Solving, Preparing and Fighting.

*Not exactly fighting. It means fight for life.*

There so little task to complete in this 3 month.

Yet, we couldn't done it in a very good and fast way.

Things just happen. 

Sometimes, you really gonna admit that you are really unfit when you are really unfit.

But, we are bunch of young head right ?..

We voice out our opinion without considering others, bad mouthing, accusing, creating story, judging, predicting, and covering up. :)

Sarcastic right ? or Pathetic ?

There are people in this world who keep vengeance. 

There are people who don't keep as well.

There are people who masking themselves everyday.

There are people who don't.

And even, there are people who can't as well.

There are people who can't take lead in anytime.

There are people who can.

There are people who lied for a living.

There are people who can't lied for a living as well.

All in all, this world in just so contrast made by human. 

There are variety of human. 

They hide, They snatch; They seek, They give.

So why can't we find a balance ? 

Or the balance is already there, 
due to existence of all kind the extreme.

When everything seems perfect from the start, 
that means we really should have starting to be wary.

The world has its own arrangement for all of us.

We just have to meet all kind of people first before we ready reveal the truth.

Alright, you can't get a figure of what I'm saying right ?..

I'll now explain in brief.

In these three month life, I'm gonna have my final exam, running the Cultural Night event, find a suitable house for next SEM, and get a transport too.

Other then that, there are still test waiting, assignment undone, part time job undefined, and so much little thing that haven't settle.

Well, its should be really easy to settle, 
considering I'm have been through so much last year.

But, thanks again to human, I got dragged.

*Oh sorry, I shouldn't blame them.*

I can't changed people, but SO DO THEM !

Don't expect much for people u can't changed when you yourself do not want to change for them.

And that's really annoying.

I don't really like to be a leader, but if given harsh condition,

My damn heroic sense of justice or sympathy would jumped out and force myself to help them.

Damn it !!!

And so, I gonna find a house to which can occupied 9-15 person.

I gonna handle a carnival and event which other people started.

I gonna skip all those test and assignment just for all this shit stuff.

And I gonna begged for money cause my money got stolen by stupid anonymous thief.

IT'S GOD-DAMN-IT-RM 350 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life just great and full of challenge.

It's ok. I'm totally fine with it !

And so, that conclude the stressful part of that period.

But life some time do give out candy to delicate your bitter-pain condition.

I got to meet with 2NE1.

And THEY ARE THE BEST!!!!!

certainly wish to them come back here, Malaysia to "live" again.

At the same time, I got the most treasures part of my University life here ?

"Chief Manager" of the night they call.

Well it wasn't easy,
I have got spend too many time in there and lost my balance.

But that's me. The "A" way.

Anyway, the event went up well until to the end.

Everyone was enjoying. 
Huge success I would say, with a bit uncomfy.

But, its perfect for me. 
Who care about what's gonna happen next ?

Think Event, Think BIG. :')

And thx to that, 
I really realize what should I've been doing right now which currently I'm not being myself.

Thx to this event, I met her, someone inspiring and get inspired for the very 1st time.

And that's the thing that keep me going until to the very end of that semester.

Not forget to mention as well, they win the election, again.

And democracy had its own destiny in our country.

Even Nelson Mandela or Mahatma Gandhi took ages to bring revolution to this world and society and Democracy has its fixed destiny there.

In terms of our country, just don't give up easily.

As the saying goes, history will repeat himself, naturally.

Oh ya! I seems to have made new friend and joined them to be a better person, perhaps.

Itu prawn. Hahahaha!!!!

I really appreciate them. Hope they receive and accept my gratitude.

But I bet you what, men don't need these, normally.

They are just AWESOME, in a way. XD

Hmm, let's end this part with something saddening.

Albeit all those happy stuffs and things, 
it wasn't really much can stop negative thing breaking thru.

Final exam wasn't that easy, 
but still thx him, to spending night and days fighting books with me. 
Sickness wasn't that easy to beat if wasn't because of at least with the presence of them.

And that's conclude the 2nd part of this year.

2013 Diary - Part 1

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And hence, here are my summary for this year or 2013.

First of all, yeah, I survived thru the Mayan's myth. *(we all do actually XD)

OK, where should I begin ?.. hmm..

Well, let's start with the 1st three month of the year.

The 1st three month.

Hmm, it was the ending of my 1st SEM in UMT.

Yup, and I struggled a bit for the last two paper in the final.

If wasn't mistaken, its Electronic and Introduction to Calculus.

*yea, me sucked to hell in Math, esp Add Math.*

 And so the final end, SEM break came, work and think and work and went back to somewhere called-HOME, and think again.

Its actually nothing in my mind other than MONEY that time.

I gonna admit that.

I'm not from a very wealthy family, my parent wasn't very smart thinker*(in my opinion). But, they just let us learn by ourselves, and watches our back to make sure we were able to stand up again when we fall.

But, there are contrast in themselves that making us couldn't do what we wanted to do.

Yet still, we were able to look into much bigger world then we originally can due to their support and encouragement. 

And so, the Chinese New Year celebration begun, this New Year was a bit special. Grandma wasn't here anymore.

Nobody coming back for New Year Eve.

The house was only full with 7 people.

Course, we will still take good care of the house here.

It grandma and granddad gift of their beloved grandchild anyway.

They went to many "friend's house", I wish I could follow, but I have my own world and social circle right ??..

So I didn't followed them. Hah!

Years before, the happiest thing in New Year was the Ang Pow that received.

But then, I wasn't so thrilled about it anymore.

Daddy doesn't makes a lot of money than my mom but my mom doesn't make so much money for 5 of us. Haha!!

So that's conclude the story.

The rest up to the imagination of you guys, but please, stay logical thinking. :D

Alright, back to me myself. I was thinking. Really thinking. What's next for me ?

The first thing that flashed thru -- WPC Cultural Night. 

Its a huge event. I repeat E.V.E.N.T, event. Event of the Year. 

We gonna rocked it !! *(how naive am I that time)

End.

Next, result for SEM 1 was out. I got quite an average result. Not good, not bad.

Still, I passed. Hooraay!!!

But, here comes the irritating part.

They keep on track about how's your score or a.k.a CGPA.

They ugliest part of human, comparing among ourselves. Damn it.

If you were born to compare with others, get a mirror and compare, let's see who's the one look more better. 

Bunch of dumbass. Particularly.

And so, another SEM begun. I brought some souvenir.

Meet up with some 'bosses'. Haha!

And made some promises. And I bathed for the first time, at the PUBLIC TOILET. XD

Yea, you heard me no wrong. Its PUBLIC TOILET.

And I went back to beaches with fancy look,

which made people couldn't recognize me, at all.

And everything was so fine back then. 

So perfect. And lovely.

End of Part 1.

Diary 30

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I'm finding a term to describe weirdo that more than weirdo.
Mathematically, its weirdo > x weirdo.
I came to a conclusion that I have to use Chinese word, which I prefer not to use.

怪懒。
怪 - it means weird in Mandarin, pronounce as "Guai".
懒 - Iit means penis in some Chinese dialect, pronounce as "Lan".
We prefer to use this word to describe weirdo in my country, Malaysia.
Why ?.. Maybe cause we don't do sarcastical conversation or faking faces talk.
So, we end up using something rough and profane,
to describe weirdo in a direct and non-twisted way.

Me, to be at a place that completely new for me, wasn't causing me any trouble at all.
The things that truly trouble you/me is the people here.
Maybe it is because I doesn't belong here since the beginning,
And thus, I can't seem to fit into the environment in a way I do.
So I try hard. So I worked my ass off to it.
So I ignore things that people say to me, sometimes...

And hence, of all that action above, everything seems so normal to me.
Yet, it becomes something pathetic, over-reacting, aggressive, non-cooperative.
As much as a extrovert I can be with myself, I'm a introvert, a weirdo, a 怪懒, to them. Knowing damn clear that I can't change how they think, or stop how they think.
I still gonna stick my face to their ass. Fuck it!..
*cause that taste bad.*

I can explain everything that happen,
I wasn't blaming anyone,
not even the circumstances,
but why do I have to acknowledge you all about my life ?
Huh ??... Huh ?!!... light me up please.

Honestly, I'm acting just so normal and so me.
And that's still not enough ?..
Never did I disrespect other or trying to offend other just because I wanted to.
So why can you guys do the same ?..
Here I provide you all an explanation :
"How do hell do I know what you have been through ?"

Yea, you have no idea. And you don't have to try understanding it as well.
And blah, blah, blah...

All right, up to this point, reader, am I correct or what ?
Correct me if I'm wrong or my mind got blocked or whatever.
Pledging for someone to correct me though.
Tell me that I'm NOT a 怪懒. 

Diary 29

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No news from chancer.
And a clear rejection are always better than hanging onto it.

Diary 28

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Hiya!
Its breaking dawn, I know.
But you know after such heart breaking study on the topic you don't interested at all,
Its good to have some truly understanding and inspiring and openly, spiritually chat.

They widen my mind at least.
More than that actually.
They denied some part of me.
And that somehow makes me think.
"Am I really the person I describe myself as ??.."
and " how can I make they think this way, giving the way I describe myself ??.."

Well, it does really a awesome chat.
Gained more understanding now. :)
Few more hours, another test came. 
Ohya! and Wish me luck for the test. :D

Diary 27

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Sorry.
Just got back from camp site.
Not a really good one spiritually.
But a good one practically.

Quite a lot of decision was made there.
Heartbreaking one, regrettable one,
Or even too overly one-sided kind.

Life better with regret right ?
Otherwise, we won't be experiencing every taste of it.
Once we experienced it then only we know and can truly understood who and what we are, how we usually behaved/reacted.

Guess I'm too tired. Fuck this shit. I'm going to sleep.
Again, test will be around 14 hours later.
And know what, I was so pumped up that nothing could even been keep in my temporary memory region. I am really tired-up, I guess.

Oh ya, its time for me to admit 'defeated' or to say,
I care not more anymore. Night world, Hi Narnia !

Trapped

.
You can't do anything if your mind are stuck.
So, why not take a break or find another medium to deal with it ?

Ridiculously Amazing - Diary 26

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To be honest, I'm really wasn't something else or somebody.
Cause I'm nobody,
nobody that should be carried by anyone,
nobody that could change the world,
nobody that could bring the peace,
nobody that should voice out,
nobody that could unite the everybody,
nobody that could understand all the circumstances,
nobody that actually can only be a tribute or sacrifice.

*Today wasn't as amazing as ever.

Ridiculously Amazing - Diary 25

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Well, yesterday wasn't a really an AMAZING day.
But still, I'm call it amazing.
I've notice this something.
For something so little yet so significant,
They need advertising.
You have to make it like a big fuss of yours, then do some 'grumble', publicized it, share it, and be a bit more extreme toward it.Oh ya! Use some seldom-used vocab too. By doing so, they people will only start to understand what actually happens and HOW to react.
Let me tell you something.
Instead of that,
Why don't you just change by yourself ?
Why can't you do that by yourself ?
Why you all always have to wait until things happen, get worse and get complicated; that time, arrived, then only START to find the solution ? W.H.Y, why ?!
If you are saying I overthought waayyyy too much, then stop agreeing with.

Know why I say all this stuff out ?
Cause I've always been correct, all the time.
I'm gonna admit, I'll get wrong too.
But, please don't alway let my answer to be the most correct answer that should be provided.
Cause I know, deeply, that I have to learn from the start as well.
And I don't start fast, I'll repeat my starting position for few times before I could really run the race, and that's exactly why I can run further, greater and looks stronger than anyone else.
And I, dislike that.

Oh ya, and I almost forgot something.
I talk to him already and he REPLIED, like finally.
I was totally so-so, maybe I have got discouraged, or maybe not.
OR maybe this is the newest kind of friendship to me ?..
He is really opening up all sort of possibility.
Oh! Whether he do really get it or I get it wrong or what,
He can understand me, I think so, at least I'm still having some positive sigh toward our friendship.
But we recover slow, that's the shit.
Let's talk seriously next time.

Ridiculously Amazing - Diary 24

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Almost forgotten who I really am today.
I'm sorry. But don't make it to my heart.
Perhaps there is just too much heart aching.
I would prefer if I know nothing about it.
I would prefer if I flee ASAP.
I would prefer to choose the road which I know I can walks it better.
I just wish I could..

Young is about all passion and crazy.
I got both of it. I keep it simple as well.
Somehow they just treated a teenage as an adult.
But who cares ??~!!!!!
I don't give a damn.
So what if there is no chances at all ?..
I'm not looking backward. I going and moving forward!!!
How much I understand about thing happen or works out back then will be my resource, my knowledge, my confidence, my specialty and my privilege when compared to others.
And they shall only admire it from the side.
If possible,they shall get inspired by themselves as well.
And that's me, not too much and not much too less.
Gonna have another test in 2 hours time, just screw it,
Its Add Math, something I wouldn't wanted to meet now and ever.
Cause I'm just NOT brilliant enough.

Ridiculously Amazing - Diary 23

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Yeah, I've made yesterday ridiculously amazing for me.
And yea, I've decided to make everyday as awesome as possible.
As creative as possible,
As passionate as possible,
As weird as possible,
As unpredictable as possible.

But, how do you define, ridiculously amazing ?
Well, I don't know.
But, something for sure,
I'm going to appreciate one and every occasion that happen.
I guess no many could do the same as I do right ?..
Since we are all different.
Different thought,
Different understanding,
Different perspective,
Different passion,
Different center,
Different principle,
Different DNA,
Different judgement,
No matter what, we are just different from inside out.
A little bit similarities doesn't mean we should be close as possible.
Well, I'm got a dream to achieve. My E.V.E.N.T.
This society need me to change their thought.

Well, not really,
But I'll make my day as amazing as ever, and each a day makes a count.
Nothing gonna stop me, critic is a must, ignorance is a must, fighting is a must.
So who care?..
Let the hater sit and stare,
Cause they can't even imagine what I'm doing.
They are just side effect anyway. :P
So, may the ridiculous day last as ever.

Diary 22

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Procrastination.
Deadly but forgettable, wasn't it ?
We can't choose or tell right ?..

There are thing in life we do really got interested in.
So we should focus only at those stuff.
We should really focus on it right ?..
Otherwise, when are you going to do it ?

Diary 21

.
Childish.
Should I fight it or not ?
Keeping a pure heart seem harder these days.
Too many thing that will makes us think.
Too many consequences happen when we make choices and act to.

Extremis are no wrong at all.
There wasn't need for understanding.
What is understanding ?
You have to accept what the other have been through ?
Can you ?.. Don't fucking say just ignore it cause its ain't healing anything.
Time heals, but scar leave there.
So why do being needs communication at the first place ?
Oh! To manipulate others~
They are your brick and concrete.
To built for your career and view and your ideal community.
So, language is no barrier at all, understanding just bullshit.
You are great at many kind of languages, so what ?
You just lack of understanding,
As if a brat kept asking more pocket money from his/her parent.
As if a God-Damn parasite, just keep on sucking and asking for more.

You can say that I was being judgeful.
But who started it at the first place.
You said you was doing thing to change, and it just you said so.
Who cares anyway ? Don't try to think big when you can't.
You just not qualified.
If you are, prove it.
If you're saying shouldn't prove to just prove it, fine enough.
Story end.
Cinderella go to bed.
Snow White kill her step-mother.
What else ? BRAT.

Diary 20

.
I'm a bit of swinging right now.
Going to have test after another 12 or 11 hours.
But I'm not studying.
As if I never thought of studying actually.
I can't ? I avoid ? I ignore ?..

I can't tell anymore.
Is there anything that can be undone ?
I'm trying to beat that stupid mind of mine to take the note.
Trying to look at it.
But why ? I can't.
Even repeatedly copying the note,
I never thinks of it.

Honestly, ZERO knowledge about it.
Its Physics Mathematics for me.

Is it being too hard for a normal people ?
Or my mind was being blocked cause I wasn't being passionate about Math ?
Its confusing. I can't tell.
Would it be better if I just sleep now ?
Sounds so wrong but so right.
If I can't study, I should just let it be right ?
At least I still can get my rest and will be much energized up to answer the question tomorrow.
OR If I force myself to study, I should get at least not zero for the test right ?..
So which way ?..

Diary 19

.
Life, is a cycle, that looped.
We don't live life for nothing.
God was like He know everything.
The Yin and Yang concept was correct,
And that's what make us trapped in this circle.

We were given emotion,
We were given thought,
We were given things to protect,
But we were given things to offence as well.

There are always something that never change about human.
We were given family. Not to say a perfect one but not a imperfect one as well.
We were given parent. Not to say a excellent one but they all must've tried their best to provide us the most choices and consequences.
In fact, were being given too much that we never tried to understand, or to be the worst, never thought of trying to understand.

So we repeat the mistake we've done.
We keep on repeating it.
Until the day, we reach our limit.
Done.

Diary 18

.
I'm letting it go, and hence I'm missing you.
I'll be patience until the day true friendship appear.

If friendship was to be this shallow,
then so be it.
If the bond are to be this weak,
then so be it.
If the treasure between us are to be this unmemorable,
then so be it.
If all the understanding before this was wrong,
then so be it.

You keep your life there,
I keep mine.
I treasure relationship as if a gem, a diamond.
If I was wrong, then so be it.

I've been quite confused, with love and friendship.
Love should be a bigger topic right ?
But I know, clearly, I wasn't even half-way to love.
As for friendship, I know I was right.
If you are my friend in my list, I'll treasure you the whole life.
That's friendship right ?
If I had tried to avoid you, then you should be wary,
Cause you ain't nothing to me,
Stop hurting yourself to understand or to pity me.
I don't need all these from you.
If I tried to approached you, and we kinda like clicked on, then its good!
We can be friend, but leave some respect.
I will be super supportive to you, but don't challenge my life principle.
I have to admit, my life principle was rather easy to get challenge one.
But, you pass this one, you pass the whole test/obstacles!
I don't need all those bullshitting mask smiling, socialize or fake bullshit in front of me.
I don't need extra good deeds from you. I DON'T NEED ALL THAT.
I'll see you as my friend, yes, the original you.
The you that can talk with me endlessly regarding everything I know and you know.
Maybe you'll keep that part to your wife, but its ok. Who cares ?!
But don't get changed easily. Don't get fake. Don't get me wrong about you.

I do treasure relationship as if a diamond those richie seek for their generations.
But you ain't diamond, you are more than that.

All these are bull shit,
I should've done talking.

I am getting too over right now.
Alright, post above may sound gay/ewww but its true and sincere.
And I'm NOT GAY. Its a damn stupid post to a stupid friend.

To the future self

.
Hey,
Don't ever forget who you are.
You used to fight to believe and have faith.
You are precious.
You have many friends, good one especially.
You have collected some blacklisted friends as well.
But, don't forget, some of them are missing from the list already.

Don't keep pushing yourself to the limit, unless you are really passionate into it.
Don't live life trying to impress others, cause you worth a lot more than that.
Don't ever get down when hard times come, they will be your past then let you grow.
Have you achieve what you want ?
Have you achieve what you seek ?
Did you really protected the thing you treasure ?
Did you lost anything in the process to protecting ?
Please. Look and see.
Don't regret. Don't sorry.
Cause they are officially the past now.
LET IT GO.

Diary 17

.
Wahahaha!!!
I must have been a psychopath.
Hehehe~~

I felt so excited over observing someone behind.
Their action,
Their response and reaction,
Their intonation,
The way they speak,
The way the put their hand, legs,
The eye contact, micro-expression,
The involuntary action or expression,
Their posture and everything.
God damn it.

Its so so so so true,
So them,
So revealable,
So REAL.
Its AWESOME!!!
And making me excited~!!!!!

Gosh, someday, I'm going to take up some psychological lesson.  :D 

Diary 16

.
Thing comes naturally.
This is what I believe.
But, of course, you have to work for it a little bit.

Easy saying, hardly happen.
This is what happen most of the time.
But you just have to give it time, for it to complete.

There wasn't no solution,
Just that the best solution is so below average.
So, you have to change your perspective.

Regret is a must.
Yet, you gonna learn to know,
"Regret makes me grow."
But, of course, no all regret is worth regret.

If you couldn't find anyone to beat you,
Create one yourself, or compete yourself.
Burn your youth,
Burn your passion,
Keep the fire there.
So you can keep on living in this world.
We born not only to live,
But to inspire, and get inspired as well.

By the time everything seems complete,
Things will comes naturally.
This is just so part of nature and society.
You can break the chain,
The result may altered,
But people and perspective will still be the same.

#No worries, cause at least you show them.
#Get it or not, its up to them to decide.

Diary 15

.
Life, Humanity;
Society, Interaction;
Duh.

Communicate, can overcome gap ?

Diary 14

.
PART I
Bottom of society ?
How's the bottom of society works ?
I wonder. *(actually I just wanted to match see if I was correct.

But how come ?
People are different.
But still how come ?
They are not excelling.
Not fighting.
Not positive.
Not understanding.
It can be interpret as something called karma ?!
Or whatever shit they wanna call it.
There isn't many people with strong will and mentality.
Sometimes, I wish I have the capability to challenge them.
And I wish I know which part of mountain they have reach despite all the mechanism they have.
Are they way more faster them me ?
Or they are just below me, cause I was too fast ?
Or everyone are on the same line, just that we never notice the gap we had.

Anyway, I just sorta predict.
And just guessing.
By the way, I'm NOT A MAN.
Since I don't have the so-called male mechanism.

PART II
Something really bothered me today.
Mere friendship between a boy and a girl doesn't exist right ?
Cause world isn't the same place anymore.

Test Subject

.
Starting from now on.
I got no more friend.
Everyone was a test subject,
I have to be myself.

Control curiosity level.
Just let it be the way they think it should it should be.
Male mechanism. Fuck you!
A very good test subject indeed.
And people won't get hurt by putting too much feeling/faith into it.

Mood Swing

.
Its a disease.
No matter what, face it.
Gosh.
So damn low Anti-Stress Level.
Why huh?
Its just fucking normal presentation la.
Last minute preparation and so what ?!
I don't GIVA A FUCK !
Its not your first time giving last minute preparation presentation.
Btw, you are just presenting one slide which give only two point.
Hey brother, wake up la.
You worth a lot eh!!!
Get up and hit it.
ARGH!!!!!!!!
ITS SPARTA!!!!

Diary 13

.
Yo.
I'm ending it.
Putting an end to the relationship that I tried to treasure few years ago.
Its harsh, but we can only be friend.

Just friend would be enough for me.
I'm not being coward to not daring.
I'm not being pessimistic.
I'm not that not having faith.
I just growth apart.
And done being treated as an second option anymore.

Regret that I was being passive at the first place.
I'm sorry if I made you wait and made you suffered.
I'm sorry. and I know, it's futile to say or do anything, anymore.

And to bury, something are not going to happen in me or done by me anymore.

Something called FRIEND

.
Hmph.
Buddy mean friends.
Friend mean people who share similar ideology,
can get along pretty well,
been thru similar situation,
and MOST importantly,
We saw thing similarly,
And we treasure relationship the same way.

There been really some good friend of mine(so far),
But I got MORE. There is fews of them.
They are darling, just making me readily dissolving anything they did.
I can't find any word to describe them,
as they doesn't need to be describe on word.
Word are just word.
Cause they mean more than word to me.

Welcome to introduce my best pal.
She a female. (yes, I get along with female more than male
We know each other since primary school, but then separated.
And we meet again in same secondary school ! :D
BUT, (yup, guess life isn't go on the way we always want.
She left, to other places, following her family plan.
Still, we kept in contact every year, from Facebook to sms, to texting, to calling.
And yeah, we still keep in contact until these days..
She is now in Brunei, working/intern-ing.
Anyway that all I have to say bout her.

Next, buddy list No.2.
Still she's a female as well.
This one was a bit different.
We used to have same experience about life.
We know that this society is sick.
I used to worked my ass off proving to her that we still can have dream to change.
Until we get along too well that people almost thought we fall-in-love with each other.lolz
We been to the bottom of hierarchy in this society.
We know, how thing works out.
We know, how human thinks only for themselves.
We are clearly aware of what going to happen the next thing regarding the current action.
Maturity level of mine and her are the same and thus, we can really get along pretty much well.
And that's she. I'm glad that I have her as my friend.

The third.
Unfortunately, the third are still a female. xD
Well well, this one was a bit complete opposite from the original me.
Unpredictable leadership. Good attitude, Average manner. :P
She have these kind of great thinking -- living in the present.
She have a dream, daring to dream big, a bit impetuous but thank to that,
I got inspired. By the way, she kinda like a animal from Planet Cat.
Nothing shall I say about her,
We think not in the same way,
But having the same aim and conclusion in the end. :D

and the forth.
I wasn't sure about this.
He is always 50-50. (yea, finally a male.
That what makes me tired.
We used to be so close together.
Same ideology.
Same living concept.
Same thinking about life and people.
Same opinion in most of the discussion and so much more.
We got too much similarity. To the point, we can't accept any differences in our mind.
And thus, problem came.. I wish, no I WANT, truly and sincerely that we can overcome it.
I don't wanna leave any wound to anyone in my buddy-list.
Although yes, we have to get some wound, argument to be the true best friend.
But hey! You are important to me!! SIGNIFICANT.
I don't care how much you don't wanna reveal your past,
How much your ex-best-buddy hurt you,
How much you get disappointed by them;
Please, TRUST ME!!
I still not getting disappointed yet.
Please, be yourself. Or the true self of yours is this ?
I DON'T CARE! I just want you as my friend.
That's all.

And that's it. about my buddy list.

Diary 12

.
Yes,
I'm NOT WILLING.
Not willing to accept the fact that I had leave.
Not willing to admit that I really did wrong.
Not willing to adapt to what I am now.
I'm just not willing to.

I can follow or catch-up with the flow in anyway.
To any extent, to any consequences.
But I'm still not willing to let just YOU to shine.
How good will I be ?
How bad can I be ?
How worst can I make the situation be ?

Dear brain,
Stop dwelling the past,
You may not done it without regret,
But, let yourself go free.
Don't just go judging everyone!!
Don't put everything onto your scale!!
Don't just simply say something so irresponsible!!
But you have already say it out loud.
And you had make it to an dead-end.
The route you travelled before had collapsed.
So, you are the one who limit yourself.

Please, don't.

Diary 11

.
Been through nothing this lately,
So, It was nothing to feel.
Nothing and blank.

And how is it now ?
Normally, thing seem to be settle in this kind of situation.
So is all those thing being settled ?
I really wonder.

Diary 10

.
Hmm..
Kinda knowing too much again.
I should have focus on the thing I should 've done.
My target. The center spot.
E.V.E.N.T.
I love event.
They makes me thinks BIG.

By the way,
Dear blogger,
I not sure you know me in  real life or not,
but I'm changing my life pace.
I'm going to do thing my way, my style,
And even if its is wrong from another perspective,
I'll keep doing it. Mark my word.

Well well, good spirit I have there.
But this is just a one last chance in your life.
Change it or postpone it.
NEVER, STOP IT.
So, keep going . :)

Pissed.

.
Yes, this mean that I'm EXTREMELY pissed off.
Not because anything was done,
Its because nothing was done,
And nothing have ever changed!!
Damn it.

The system was having problem,
They said problem can be solved easily with enough positive outlook and enough people to work together to curd it.
You want my opinion on that ?..
Here's my opinion, NOT, its my comment:
FUCK YOU!

Yes, people are working to tegether,
But they wasn't solving problem.
They can't even understand what they are doing.
They just go with the flow blindly!..
I got no interest in this kind of flow.
I'm not on a CHARITY show.
Nobody would remember me even if I helped them ?!
And at least I will still get my fame through chariy show.
But this is NOT! NO!
No mercy for me if I done anything wrong even when I've done so many good deeds before. Just one unlucky/wrong-step/forgettable mistake. Mistake will be the only thing been seen. So they put you on a judgement. Damn it.

Fine. I try my best.
I'm not interested anyway.
Just how many time I have to went through all these ?..
This system is just fucking incorrect, from head to toe.

Diary 9

.
Honestly, I admire Albert Einstein plenty, a lot.
Hmmm.
School just failed me these day.
Assignment with unknown purpose,
known result, and all those 'plagiarism' work.
Thing just flowing that way.
With crafted path.
And I just can't walk following the path that crafted.

Great Scientist, Physicist or Mathematician;
Excellent philosopher as well!!
He judged the school, the education and the system.
He criticized them.
He even avoiding himself from getting too friendly with the system!
But tell me, how does a minority win over a majority ?
They can't, right ?..

So, thing just happened.
Human were taught to accept, not to think.
And so, hatred and sorrow was created.
And the loop continue. Can't stop. Won't stop.
Until the day,  people are dumb enough to not even think that ----
this is NOT A PROBLEM.
Screw it. Back to lab report.
*Oh, should be something call plagiarism.*


By the way,
"Happy B'day, Raymond Loewy.
Appreciate your designed logo or graphic to this world."
End.

Diary 8

.
STOP EVERYTHING YOUR BONDED TO RIGHT NOW, RIGHT AWAY!!!
even if it is something you can only have it once in your life.
Don't just go with flow.
The flow woud bring you goodies,
But! think about it!
Trap in the loop of fake happiness (just like direct sale in real life)
OR change for a better, which could motivate your passion, bring you to fullest self.
so, BEAT IT!

*Be a better comeback-player rather then losing youself in the maintream.*

Diary 7

.
Leaving.
It suppose to be something so sad for those who have been together so long, even for friend.
But kinda like inverted back.
They go cause they have to and they want to, so they leave.
And just leave, bring all the sorrow away too, please.
Let it be sharp and hard!
Don't leave any traces.
Cause any memory created will only make us miss it more.

Two friends,
Best friend,
Best pal,
Buddy ?..
Damn you all.
Just leave.

So that I shall stand straight and high up.
Pretending(?!) I was nothing.
But sobbing deep inside.
Anyway, who cares ??..
I am used to it. This is not number 1 case.
We will have chances to meet in the future.
Please have faith in all of us.
One thing I dislike about being human is,
We, are too emotional.
Until we doesn't care about what the others was thinking.
To the extent we will think we,ourselves as a selfish being.
And so, I shall step back for the next life, if I was given a chances to.
I don't mind being cold-blooded, isolated, non-talkative or selfish.
I just had it enough. This feeling sucks the most dude.
And its superb SUCKS! SHUCKS! SCREW IT!!

Today weather :
Cloudy with drizzle and occasional rain in the morning; Sunny the whole afternoon and Comfy night weather.

To Me

.
Stop thinking that you are strong.
You are just human.
I admitted that you have a mature thinking,
So get a use of it.
Utilize it.

Maturity pay for its prices,
Don't stop believing.
People may not understand you,
So, just cut-off the explanation.
Its not that you are bottling up stuff and stress,
Instead, you are chasing what you want and your desire,
Human ares trong cause they were in their dream,
And by living so, they are happy and satisfied.

Like everyone do, hardship comes,
But if you are living proudly with your principle of life and passion,
You are being yourself, and nothing wrong with it.
So strengthen yourself to face those who never tried to understand you.,Cause this is all just challenge,
which can be solve no matter ho worst it is.

Diary 6

.
What's your purpose in life ?
To do want you really wanted to do
OR to please what others people think you should do,
OR to just choose what to do based on the current situation ?

So, if your choices appear to be the 1st one,
WHAT do you really wanted to do ?
WHAT are you doing at this time ?
ARE your really firm that your are going to make your imagination real ?
DO you ready to get wounded in the process of achieving your target ?

Anyway cut that off,
I'm scaring away all those audience. HAHA!!
Well, I have got my principle in life to protect actually,
I have my trust on myself,
My faith, My so-called ideology.
In which, I would go die protecting it.

Something happened,
I got triggered, I hate being distrust.
*guess I was predictable*
Fine, I'm not a easy character as well~
Nah! here a [[midfing]] !!!
But thank, I guess I made to another unpredictable occurrence as well.

I got a DREAM to catch up with,
This, is my LAST chances for this SEM.
Gonna worked for it.
So go worked it out.
There shouldn't be any tolerance in front of your dream,
If you were to achieve it.
There should only be obstacles to overcome.
So, GET IT OVER!!!

*All dream are insane, so do the dreamer.*
*Only those who stay outside the dream would know how hard the dream can hit and yet still don't understand it.*
*So, go DREAM BIG, dreamer.*

Choices

.

Alright.
This is my life.
My blog. (p.s//spammer away please
teehee.(so I decide to turn off the chat box here.

We were bound by choices in our life.
Some of them are good,
Some of them are bad,
Some of them are funny but meaningful,
Some of them are painful,
Some of them are not even in our consideration.

Among all those,
We get to choose,
Detour or dead-end,
Its only matter of perspective.

If we are really into no choices,
Well, the only thing we couldn't choose in this world was our parents.
Right ?..Correct ?..
Fix me if I were wrong. :P
Hmm,
As I have said before,
There are many kind of choices,
I like the painful one,
Cause I can grow from there.
Shut up and listen!
The more your listen the more you will know how to do it.
And that happens just naturally~ ^^

Somehow,
We always get to choose the flexible one.
Course, flexible choices would always on the RIGHT TRACK.
But, think about it. DEEPLY and LOGICALLY.

Is that choices really on the right track or just an avoidance of trouble ?
Human has different level of mentality.
I can say that low mentality one doesn't have life,
Instead, I'm hereby, declared that I have super low mentality sometimes that I would rather let myself to just dissolve in this world. And not showing-off faces anymore.
Well that's a painful choices.

Once a friends told me,
If you really have very strong mentality,
Go save some lifes,
They were lost,
Cause they had avoided plenty enough of trouble,
More enough until the can't find a way to dissolve it.

Meanwhile,
Those with strong mentality won't feel bad so easily,
To the level where they won't listen even when people banishing them for something that shouldn't happen and not their fault.
Well, only few of people are included in this zone. (And I'm not included in, personally thinking
Otherwise, there won't be so many suicidal cases in this world.

Something to wrap-up,
We are all human,
Blood flowing, cell duplicating,
Thought were shared, communication happen.
There will always unequal thing happen in an equalize condition.
Even people with strong mentality might fall, one day.
So, get over it. Face it, it's YOUR choices since the beginning.

So u guys learn something today ?