Diary 50

.
This place sucks.
I hate Terengganu.
Not the weather, Not the environment.
Its the people itself.

Not sure I'm really having a bad day or what.
But I'm indeed dying at this place.
I was like I have done rather many, why can't people see what's happening ?..
How can they let such immoral and destructive thing/phenomena happen ?
I say that I'm completely disappointed was definitely an understatement.

How can they adapt themselves to such low qualities of life ?

Diary 49

.
I can't seriously let myself get over with what I've done.
I mean, I want and and I'll get it, no matter how.

Dafuq did I just said.

*This reveal how contradict I am.*

Dear life,
can't you be a bit more smoother for me ?
I seriously needed a break here and nothing have been in-the-process now.
Fighting alone is terrible.
And somehow, there is no way I can go fast.
:(

Diary 48

.
Arg !
I felt empty here, double emptiness despite all that already happen.
I can't felt myself here. Please let me sob here.
Eager to look for what I've lost.

I ain't yes something anymore.
I don't want this to finished, just like this just the way it is.
Please, send me someone who can help me.
Who can inspire me. They are not. XXR are not.
At least the current one wasn't the one I'm looking for.

I barely feeling anything anymore. Why ?
So this is the feeling of doing what you not passionate at all right ?
- Fuck it -

Testament

.
This is Tangie's testament.
"I spend time doing Earth Hour. 
This is not anymore. I suffer inside. 
Being able to achieve my dream is something so special and happy about. 
This is because :
I spend time thinking about how to make thing go fast and steady.
I spend time persuading others to join me.
I spend time finding the one I long lost.
I spend time doing what I wasn't able to focus fully in the past 21 years I live.
I spend time doing what my teacher and father dislike me doing.
I spend time changing others mind.
I spend time flying with the wing gifted by God.
I spend time doing all I passionate about and NOT REGRET.
But after that, its nothing. I'm nothing.

Tangie's life is belong to Tangie.
NOT ONE CAN EVER LAY HIS/HER HAND TO CONTROL HIS LIFE NO MATTER HOW !
Even if Tangie was to lost control or being manipulated,
Tangie would rather die than living a walking dead.
But he got too way too soft-hearted. 

And that why this testament. "

- unfinished post -

Diary 47

.
When thing just got too much to handle.
Not officially. but personally.

Dealing with environment and dealing with people are extremely different.
Not that i ain't gonna accept the hardest challenges,
I just can't, its not my job or its just not my field.
I dislike the feeling of being controlled by others.
Some more it cause me trauma and fear.

- unfinished post -

Diary 46

.
Sometimes in our life,
we would felt so helplessly lost.
Or HARD.

Maybe that all that need to destroy our one fine day is that one tiny little hard time or feeling. So small enough that it can actually cause a tremendous wave or affection deep inside our heart. Which that struck us, kill us, saddened us, shock us, and even changes us. So what can we do about it ? Get your ass up and START MAKE SOME CHANGES !!..

*Yes, you may say I'm way too impetuous. 
But what can I do ?.. I'm just nobody.
WHAT CAN I DO ?.. 
I can only gather up power and I'm doing my very best right now, to try influence others, to try and make them more selfless, and be more lovely. Wasn't it great if the world are made up of people who doesn't care about right or wrong but just simply wanted to be with us longer and get true ???..

Diary 45

.

This is a total devastated period of mine.
I fail to prolong my peak. 

Actually I can and able to prolong it.
But, I don't really get why, I just can't do it.
Anyway, don't comfort me. 

I don't need comfort.
I need some extreme thought.
To excite me. 

To wake me up. 

To mind shock me.
To mind-fuck me. 

To threaten or even kill me.

Don't get wrong. 

I just need to get excited in creativity and why does it so hard to do thing under some guideline.
Just screw them. 

#ThinkOutOfTheBox

#DoOutOfTheBox

Diary 44

.
Seriously, I don't gay.
Instead, I hate gay. I get scared.
But I do give my support to gay people.
So, don't EVER compare me with any kind of gay out there.

I give my support to any LGBT out there.
And people, I like girl very much.
I seems contradict with what I'm talking about here right ?..
Whatever. I watched gay-porn before.
Its kinda disgusting, from my perspective.
And you know why ? *Cause I'm not gay.

OH !
And btw, I don't think any hetero will do better than gay or lesbian people do.
There are way too many people who don't explore themselves to live in this world.
I can't say anything. Sometimes, I'm being lazy too.
But, I do very clear that who I am to myself.
So, don't ever judge be for being sissy sometimes or all the time.
And don't judge me for being gay or still remain single after so long.

I used to be a victim of gay sex assault.
So I can't say much. Even if I had the chances to.
But I put my word ahead, I support LGBT, pink, purple, blue or whatever color it is.
I don't give a fuck! Just go ahead and use them you will have my support,
but just don't come clinging around me. You are disgusting.
- END -

And Dear hetero,
You guys are not anywhere not-more-disgusting-than-LGBT too.
So, get a mirror to reflect yourself, before you saying others.
- END -

Diary 43

.
What if we were thrown into total dead end ?
I really wonder, sometimes.
For animals, some were strong enough to fight.
Some just surrender themselves, 
some even let themselves being cornered more.
Get beaten, abused, and not planning a fight back or just resist.

To be success, and ac knowledgeable,
we gonna be super extreme.
That's it.

No further answer,
Unless you are telling me that you have a super rich family or relatives that does't have any other children, and they only connection to people around are just, you.
Cut down all the unnecessary need.
Kill it off. They are meant to rot and get stepped by you in the future.
Don't sympathized them, never.

* I guess for someone so softhearted like me;
  success will never come. Just forget it. unless I change.

Diary 42

.
I'm helpless.
Seriously, I'm happy that life is back to me.
Things are going well.
Way too well.
I don't know. 
I'm not willing to do it.
I don't wanna anyone to misunderstood me.
Keeping pure and not contaminated is EXTREMELY HARD.
*even harder that scoring Flappy Bird.*

I don't understand myself.
I guess human can't stand alone.
But they will be alone after all.
So the loop of confusion begin again.
*haha!!!!
* this part dedicated to 21st of Feb 2014.
I pass my day quite with loaded activity and relaxation.
But I wasn't really enjoying it.
I don't wanna live this way.
Its not really free-to-do-what-you-like.
Its weird.
I'm weird.
I'm not truly happy this time, and I know it.
It suppose to just be a dinner,
but it turn out to have another round and everyone was so exciting to the state that I doesn't dare to say anything to object it. I'm anti-social I think. :(
D;

Argh !!!!!
Let's get drunk and FORGET IT!!
I don't really like it.
I overdone it and it can't be undone.
I can't feel sorry and I'm truly sorry I can't control.
I just hate myself.
Whatever, I'm ugly.
Ugly ugly. 
Disgusted. 
Outraged.
Nauseated.

Being looked so shiny and proud from the outside.
I'm scared to death in the inside. 
I'm being so contradict.
And being so selfish. I'm not me.
I can't control. Give me some space to express. 
I HATE IT!
I 'm a control freak.
AND I HATE IT !!!!

I guess I overthink too much.
Tiredness made me down. 
I'm glad I had a strong inner institution here to support me in fighting the outside world of mine. And Seriously, I don't need any kind of expression to support, instead, stay there for me, let me know that you guys can live well without me and not feeling regrettable. That's me. 

Cause I trust you guys as if I don't need to do anything for you guys to trust me.
I trust that it will be my last resort, the very last place I can stay, I can cry, I can fake, I can be real, I can Laugh-Out-Loud, I don't need to cover, I don't need to worried, I can be disappointed and not being sad. I put my faith in this relationship though. Thank for making me survive. Seriously, #KodosAreScaryButFun.

#ICryInsideToday.
#ImLost
#Self-Healing-Again
#ThankYouForUnderstanding
#SorryForBeingSissy
#SorryForNotExplaining
#SorryThatICan'tControl.
#StrongEnoughToStandAloneButUnableToDoSo.

Diary 41

.
Well, its been awhile.
Hasn't been updating this blog since,
like 1 month or 3 weeks ???..

Anyway, screw it.
it's been smooth month for me, for the least.
I'm over it. Used to it.
Being someone who always over-think too much,
And born from a outcast-ed place,
I don't complaint much.

In fact, I can't.
I can't choose my dad.
I can't choose my mom, my siblings.
This love and hate relationship just simply I can't ignore.
So don't point your finger at me saying I'm not being myself or what.
Cause this is who I am. Thank you for the respect.

Ohya, no sure why I wrote this.
But, I just wanted to.
So don't ask why, just trust.
And last, happy struggling for life.

Diary 40

This is a emo post.
Just be alone.
We all became alone in the end.
No matter how hard we tried,
No matter how flexible we reflex,

No matter how far we avoid..

We became alone in the end.

So why we start ?

Diary 39

Human, their existence are contradict themselves.
I gotta say, no matter how balance and neutral I tried to be,
I'll still be an extremist.
Damn it.

Diary 38

.
Well, Its NOT OVER yet !!!!
Erm, being an asian, I'm a bit KiaSu.
Which meant I got scared of losing.
Admit it, we all hate the feeling of losing something or someone.
Especially when we used to worked so hard to get it.
So I really can't blame myself for being so KiaSu sometimes.
*But I do admit what I'm weak at actually* #FaceThickLikeHell

Alright, back to main topic.
Quoted  from the lyrics "Demon" by Imagine Dragon,
" How matter What we breed, we still are made of greed." ;
Its really true that we are all greedy, we eager to success;
kept on urging ourselves to learn more and more and more.
Just Don't Stop Trying and Doing.
Everyone are the same in this term,
And we can't blame ourselves of being greedy too;
*cause we worked for what we really want to appreciate.*

So here I am.
Declaring the formation of the Tang.
LOL!! Anyway, I'm back to be aggressive. *(a bit)*
Hopefully this time, it won't be like last time.
And even if thing got worsen this time, do stay strong and fight'em back.
Show that you gain something from mistake or lesson too. *whatever the thing is*
STAY STRONG. and BE AWESOME !!

Diary 37

.
Har~!!!
Arh~!!!
Erm~!!!
Hee~!!!
Argh!!!!
*flipping-table
*stomping-ground
*throwing-paper
*Whatever!!!!

Heaviest subject ever, Math.
Thx for abusing, or torturing.
Whatever.
I don't give a damn shit bout thing that happen later on.
LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Yea, the more you want it away
the more it coming back to you. Whatever.
WHATEVER !
WHATEVER !
WHATEVER !
JUST WHATEVER!!!
WHAT-SO-EVER!!!!

ITS GOOD IF I CAN UNDERSTAND;
ITS GOOD IF TEST/EXAM DOESN'T EXIST AT ALL, OR EVER.
SO-CALLED SYSTEM.
#Whatever.

Diary 36

.
The introvert, extrovert and ambivert.
How I hate myself for being such contract ambivert.
Damn it.

I don't feel sorry actually, for almost everything happen.
But at the same time, I felt so awful for letting everything bad happen.
Argh!!!!! Trapped again. Dang it.

Human's existence themselves are so contradict.
I wish I could do something to change it.

Sometimes, I really don't feel sorry for not involving, not joining any conversation or  in fact, being so-called "Anti-social". Cause I feel damn comfortable listening to just the noise created from the conversation. So don't feel sorry dude. I'm totally fine with it. I really had my fun watching or sharing the fun we had or you guys had. LOL!!! even just by the mean of looking at you all retarded-ly. Hahahah!!

So, sincerely from me, don't feel sorry for me not joining the fun.
*cause I'm already having enough fun. XD
*Most importantly, I don't feel left-out.

But, *here's come the contrast.
Of course, its not good being too introvert, I'm doing my way being extrovert as well.
And its not extrovert enough. And, I can't show it all out.
I'm truly sorry. Some kind of feeling give me that being extrovert kinda 'gay'.
I truly sorry for that, given, I used to be molested by a gay uncle.
He kinda, jobbed me.

YES, he blow-jobbed me!!!
Damn it. I wish I doesn't have that experience. :/
Argh!!! Still feel like killing him!
Sorry. Its really kinda star-struck for me.
Just when I'm ready to get into a bigger group of people, things happen.
Damn it. Whatever.
Mayb that's what they call trauma.
and I still trapped there cause I still get scare getting near to gay people.
#NoDiscriminateThough.

Kinda an analysis about me myself.
So, thank you for the consideration.

Diary 35

.
Hmph.
I'm kinda blank this recent.
Mayb cause of those memorizing stuff and final paper, midnight oil burning or what-so-ever.
My brain need a rest. Cause those syndrome are showing.
I began to think too much, mood swinging.
And get way too emotional at sometime.
But I can't help it. I really can't, unless you give me money and time, and chances.
*p.s//I know I'm way too greedy.
Whatever.

Money, is not enough no matter what,when or how.
Damn you government. Thanks for the hike.
Now, I got to struggle more. Fuck it.
And now I really mean it.
I got my life, my way, and ma style.
And money plays a bigger role in my life since its lacking get more obvious.
Damn you for the hike.
I'll show you my vendetta face/force someday.
You just wait.
Now here's a [[midfing]] as appetizer.

 Time.
Constraint by most of the people around me.
How I hate these people could please do yourself a favor.
Please, if you are not helping, do walk away yourself.
I don't need you to spoil my plan, waste my time convincing you.
And you are not even being considerate to me.
I hate how you all think my time is yours sometimes.
Imma not gonna let you waste my time and money socializing with useless information and people.
Well, it wasn't all you guys fault anyway, I was being too kind and never learn hoe to reject. My bad.
And that how I was being abused.

Chances.
For somebody who really have something in their mind,
The only reason for them being upset was -- not a chance are given or granted.
Damn it! Even if there is really a chances there,
Those dumbass around you will still be dumbass,
Not being able to put some gamble in their life, and give it a try.
Once in a while, create your luck la please!!!!
And can't you guys just believe in the luck you created???!!
Chances are there all the time.
Its just you the one who don't appreciate it and not brave enough to challenge it.
Why you being so coward!!!

Another topic bout chances,
Do create your own chances.
Don't ever let negative people stop you.
Do create it and believe in its creation,
Cause nobody gonna believe that there is a chance if the creator he himself doesn't believe in it.
Have faith and fight for it!!!!!! ARgh!!!!!!!!
Follow your heart!!!!!
Otherwise, don't show your pathetic face around!!!!!
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED MONEY, TIME, and CHANCES!!!!! FUCK IT!!!!

MONEY - TO DONE ME WITH ALL THE SUPPLEMENT AND MATERIAL.
TIME - TO DONE ME WITH KNOWLEDGE AND OPPORTUNITY!!!!
CHANCES - TO DONE ME WITH KNOWLEDGE AND MOTIVATION.

Hell ya'!!!!! Dang it!!!
I'm indeed a lazy brat.
Who the hell in this would have all of this ?..



P.S : just let me put my rant here for just a one post.
I am too tired, I can't focus.Whatever. *SLAP HARD TO FACE*

Diary 34

.
Fighter.
Thee only option is fight.
Made for fight. Born to fight.
Everyone should be born a fighter.
Maybe I don't have the right to judge who is/isn't a fighter,
But, I bet you what, I definitely can see who's a better fighter out there.
Keep fighting the battle, fighter.
With the pride of each of every fighter that existed,
FIGHT FOR IT ! So, fight it.

Diary 33

.
Its new year, and I ain't stopping to just observe.
I'm still trying to beat the mind in me that you are still savable.
Whatever.

And please help me to not look down on you anymore.
I'm standing at a very clear position, 
Trying to beat every fucked up rumor about you.

Dear Mr.E, prove that the other was wrong, solidly.
Otherwise, I'm done, and you will be done as well.

Complete Review

.
Honestly, I think I degraded myself in this year.
I'm still as nice as I'm,
I'm still incomplete as usual,
I'm still as funny as usual,
I'm still as emotional as usual.
I'm still what I am.

People say you will changed to be more mature every year than previous.
But I don't see I'm changing.
I'm kinda tired actually,
Dream always couldn't be achieve.
And I kept on attach myself to the thing around me at the current.
I'm contracting myself.
I'm playing myself.
I'm tired but I can't rest, its really harsh for me.
How I wish I could go just as fragile as ever and just release everything out, at once and not to think about how the future will turn out to be.

Whatever, just cut it off.
This should be a overall review of what happened in the year of 2013. 
Anyway, everyone are fighting a battle which none of us would have known better.
Yes, not matter how excel you are, you are still you, be yourself, even if it means to everything behind and start new. Its ok, just start new then, when people regret or start to feel sorry, get back again, be pathetic, and cure these people who hurt you before. And be kind, always. 
*Unless there is a real bastard-asshole out there.* 

Anyway, its New Year, 2014. 
Start it, Brace it and take control over it.
Or at least, try make it more pain and memorable.
And Wola. :D